Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Life is Supposed To Go On...

...but it doesn't. It stands still, and you go numb, and it makes no sense. It physically hits you like a ton bricks and emotionally it feels like your heart has been torn out. Nothing else matters except for that person crying on your shoulder. As tears fall on my keyboard, there's a lump growing in my throat that hasn't gone away since we received unpleasant news yesterday.

I think it was around minute #8 on the treadmill this morning when I realized that I wasn't sweating. What I felt on my cheeks were tears. I truly believe that strength comes from emotion and fear is controlled through that strength. I've learned that valuable lesson many years ago, and it's made me a better person.

I think it was around 7:10 am that I realized I had just gone through an entire workout without feeling anything. I wasn't into it, I wasn't aware of my surroundings, and the person I saw in the mirror was hurting more and more as the morning went on. I had to leave early, I had to sit in my truck, alone in a parking lot, to let my emotions escape their trap. I thought it would set me free, and I thought it would instantly heal me from the inside out.

But, it doesn't. I need to let the healing begin, I wish it would begin, I can't make it begin, and it doesn't seem fair. I realize that I'm not alone. I've never been alone, and I shouldn't feel like I'm alone. I don't understand Why this happened, and I don't need to understand Why right now. I just need to be there for her. Everything else is a distant 2nd place.

The only priority for me is to take the pain away from her. I want to bear the burden of pain for both of us. I can't stand to look in her eyes and realize that she's going through the same thing as me. I want to save her from it, I want to shield her, I want to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it's impossible for me to reach the realization that I can't do that.

I know deep down, through all the struggles and agony, that all hope is not lost. It can't be taken away from us. We've come too far to give up now. We can't be stopped in our pursuit. We can and will hit bumps along the way and we can handle it once bump at a time. We will add to our family someday, I just can't tell you when, and it doesn't matter when. I want you to realize that we've already found completeness in each other.

The calls and emails continue to pour in for us. Our giant support network of family and friends offer up condolences. "I'm sorry" is the only thing that can be said. I understand that. There are no words that can express how deeply hurtful this experience is. But, we do the best we can, and I want you to know that we are grateful for each and every one of you. We are truly blessed, and I feel lucky to be sharing my life with you.